
Ataria and her mum Jan Derham
I was sitting in a pōwhiri, waiting for the manuhiri, when I started chatting with the young girl who was next to me. She looked to be about seven or eight years old. A beautiful young girl with dark brown hair and large eyes.
We started talking about kapa haka as we waited. And then, for some reason, we got on to the subject of Pākehā. I can’t recall why. But I do vividly remember her expression changing.
“I hate the Pākehās,” she said.
Coming from someone so young, her words shook me to my core. I wasn’t sure how to respond. Various replies rang through my head.
Then I said: “My mum’s Pākehā — and she’s lovely. The best mum you could ever ask for.”
Her expression didn’t change. “Don’t let me see your mum or I’ll be mean to her because she’s a Pākehā.”
Weeks later, this conversation was still gnawing away at me. I mean, I get it. I’m Māori and Pākehā, and the Māori side of my family were hit hard by colonisation.
For example, my nanny in Northland was strapped at school for speaking Māori, like many of her generation. Then my dad grew up in West Auckland and experienced the worst effects of Māori urbanisation. He and his seven siblings all suffered abuse and violence while they were growing up.
An aunty told me: “Once Were Warriors … that’s what it was like for us.’”
So there was a cycle of dysfunction that led to addiction, alcoholism, drugs … you name it. I’ve had cousins in rehab, and cousins who’ve died from their addictions.
I’m 28 now. But it wasn’t until I went to university that I learned about colonisation. And I was so overcome with grief over everything that I was learning in my lectures that I had to book myself into the university counselling service. Every week I’d go in there and I would sob about the harm done to my tūpuna.
The counselling really did help me deal with my grief, but I was still angry that I was only learning this in my mid-20s. Because our education system hadn’t taught — and still doesn’t teach — decolonisation. That’s bullshit. It’s indefensible.
So I get it.
I don’t hate Pākehā, though. I’ve forgiven them. In large part because of people like my mum, and her family.
My mum’s parents immigrated from England in the 1950s. When she met my dad, she was a trainee nurse at Wellington Hospital. Her mum, my grandma, taught her unconditional love. How to love your children no matter what.
My Pākehā grandma was the only grandma I had because my nanny on my Māori side died when I was a baby. Nanny passed on in her early 50s from lung cancer. She’d been a smoker — another legacy of colonisation.
Dad’s upbringing was undeniably horrible. He was still working through his own childhood issues when he met my mum. She was like an angel for my dad and his family. She helped to heal him and his sisters — and also his sisters’ children.
Some of my cousins tell me that my mum has always been their favourite aunty. And even though Mum and Dad separated a long time ago, they still visit her.
She, a Pākehā, helped to heal our scarred and dysfunctional Māori family because she was taught how to love unconditionally.
I’ve asked her what it was like to become a part of a Māori family when she’d had such a strong English upbringing. She tells me it was a huge culture shock. She was totally out of her comfort zone when she met Dad’s five powerful sisters. I mean, these women are FIERCE.
Sometimes the problems were the little things. Like when Dad’s family would walk into the house and go straight to the fridge or the pantry. What could be considered as manaaki in Māori, she’d learned, from her English family, was rude.
Then there was her experience at kōhanga reo. My mum never felt welcome there. She’d drop off her little Māori kids — and none of the other mothers would talk to her. She was ignored, even though she was trying to do what was best for her children. As a Māori child, it hurts when your mum is “othered” for being Pākehā. We felt “othered”, too.
Mum even went to whare wānanga to learn te reo. She’d started off with the Correspondence School and then went on to night classes. To this day, Mum’s conversational reo is as good as, if not better than, mine. She was the one who taught us that te reo was a language to be valued. She even moved us to a new school because that was the only one in the area promising reo classes — although that promise fell through.
My mum doesn’t see colour. And I don’t see colour in her.
When I hear a child saying she hates Pākehā, it doesn’t sit right with me. It’s the same when I hear people referring to the “bloody Pākehās”.
It reminds me that — like so many Māori — I too am Pākehā.
So I’ll stand up to racism against Māori. But bigotry against Pākehā isn’t okay either. I believe that once you’ve experienced racism yourself, it’s even worse to inflict that same pain and hurt on others.
Hate gets us nowhere. If we want to heal, we need love and forgiveness. My Pākehā mum taught me that.
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I am a pakeha mother of two boys with a Maori father that I raised by myself. I’ve felt the hurt of being left out and frowned on because I am white. I am very proud of my boys and have always embraced Maori culture. They have felt the hurt of racism being called white trash,dirty half breeds and told their mother is white rubbish. But I’ve also felt the love and care from my Maori friends and family and made to feel part of the family,and me feeling the same way for them. It is terrible how Maori were treated and very sad….. Those who did that were cruel and heartless but there ARE those of us who have never been like that and show love and respect to all regardless of skin color. We are a new generation that can put this right. I see racism on both sides and it breaks my heart.
Love your forgiving heart, I understand what you are saying, your mum is pakeha and of course you have to love her …who wouldn’t. Bless you
For an 8 year old trying to
For an 8 year old trying to work out where she fits in the world I think it is pretty typical to look for absolutes. The if’s, maybes and complexities come later. Would be fascinating to see what conclusions she comes to in 10 or 20 years time. What a great trigger for her to start that questioning, exploration and likely transformation.
If the pakeha had kept their
If the pakeha had kept their part of the bargain ( Te Teriti o Waitangi) we wouldn’t be discussing this right now. Unfortunately some of us have to bare the brunt of the past. One thing is for sure and that is Maori will never ever forget. Maybe forgive, BUT never forget. Kia-ora.
Discrimination in any form is
Discrimination in any form is an agenda to cause diversion. We have to learn to live as one people as mankind. I was not taught to hate or choose which colour or which side I want to be on. I support standing up with love in my heart for what I know is right and helping those who need it along the way. For mankind to do that and be the change we must watch our own footsteps making sure they are straight and we don’t cause others to stumble and if we do make it right. Beautiful korero and very heart felt but it can only get better and it will I have faith…
In my first week of doing a
In my first week of doing a nursing degree I sat watching the reactions of my tauiwi colleagues as we were offered the treaty of Waitangi and the historical impact on my tupuna. The presenters offered their interpretations with the greatest respect. Almost apologizing for the events of the past. I silently cried for them because that’s what your taught when your bought up with your nanas and koros. When some offers you and apology you bow your head . And acknowledge the strength and humility in the gesture. We sre survivors of colonization. It starts with fogiveness
The modern education system
The modern education system seems determined to create hostility between peoples. Your mother came to New Zealand in the 1950s. My grandparents came to New Zealand in the ’20s. Neither of them had any part to play in colonization of the 18th and 19th centuries, but because we share a skin colour with the colonists, we are portrayed as the enemy.
To borrow an American analogy, “those who were never slaves are taught to hate those who never owned them”.
Does teaching on New Zealand history go back further than the signing at Waitangi? Do they teach of the Musket Wars? Do they teach that life prior to the coming of the English had its own problems, or do they perpetuate the myth of the noble savage, and ignore the reality? There are no perfect humans, or perfect human societies and most of us have to just muddle through together.
Benjamin Franklin is quoted saying, “We must, indeed, all hang together or, most assuredly, we shall all hang separately.” It’s sound advice, even in the modern age.
https://nzhistory.govt.nz/war/musket-wars/overview
I am Maori and of Jew/Hebrew
I am Maori and of Jew/Hebrew also Scottish and Irish descent equally and proud of it. I too was brought up in this colonised country of Mother England Immigrants who set out to make changes to their new found Homeland. My parents were predominantly Maori but although Dad (being the eldest of 14) was more Pakeha looking, along with his family (except for one Uncle who looked Maori) so out of his siblings came three Maori families and the rest of my cousins were of Pakeha looking. No matter what !! We are all First cousins !!. I was brought up in the predominantly Pakeha world for all my schooling life and absolutely loved my childhood upbringing from my Mother and Father, Uncles and Aunties and mostly, all my Pakeha school friends families Mums and Dads plus all their children who treated me absolutely with respect and I in return to them. In a small community like Taihape, this was the perfect Town to be raised up in. We grew up in a society which our parents believed we should be in, they provided us with comfort and compassion within our local Maori and Pakeha Community of Church (from Sunday School onwards) which was of our Anglican / Church of England, Catholic, Methodist, Presbyterian and Ratana Religions. We had Sports and Musical upbringing, but sadly in this young life as one now reflects, not much Maori learning of our people and the indigenous peoples of the land and or language. I grew up to be self supportive like many of my families and friends of both races and persued my interest in both as is today in my 73rd year. Life is what you make of it, not really what you get out of it. I am saddened by what I read and knew /know that this happens in our communities spread throughout New Zealand. One can only hope we find peace and harmony amongst the Brothers and Sisters of this wonderful Country of AOTEAROA. Kia kaha Kia Maia kia manawanui Kia koutou katoa.
What a beautiful, thoughtful
What a beautiful, thoughtful article. Thank you.
It sounds like this mother is
It sounds like this mother is an amazing person. She shows what it could look like if all tauiwi were as accepting, inclusive and willing to learn the culture of her (I’m assuming) adopted country. However, I would sadly suggest, she is possibly an outlier in our current society.
I am a first generation NZer
I am a first generation NZer coming from parents that were Dutch and English. Growing up I was constantly abused and picked on for being white. I really wanted to fit in with Maori and was jealous of the marae life. My bestie at Intermediate was Maori, but when we got to High School all that changed and the gap between Maori and Pakeha really opened up. Then I went off to do my nursing training. 10% of our course was Cultural Safety. Well in this so called “Cultural Safety” class (where the Maori class was split away from everyone else) I endured day after day being told that we are related to the Celts and therefore it is all our fault what happened to the Maori and that we were all pieces of crap. I could not understand how any of this was my fault being a 1st generation NZer with an English father who spoke fluent Te Reo, nor could I understand what the Indian girls in the class had to do with it all. I just tried to get along with everyone all my life and accept people as they are with their own unique culture and values. I married a Maori and then found the divide yet again trying to fit in at the marae. My husband had issues being brought up in Auckland facing racism because he was Maori. I do not understand as a country why we can’t just embrace diversity. Is it fair to pick on any individual because of their race? The past needs to be left in the past, nearly everyone involved in wrongdoings is now dead. Time to move forward as a unique diverse mixed culture.
There is always a structure –
There is always a structure – arguably across cultures – that resembles what Catholics call original sin. That has taken the form of colonization for many people in New Zealand, including many Pakeha.
But, as you suggest, these structures and can fracture and harm those who taken them on.
II agree that it is dangerous to take on a structure that has one racial group fulfilling the role of the antagonist/s. Ask any Jew how they have felt and how their people have faired serving as the scapegoat or antagonist for human greed and other negative characteristics their wider societies chose to project onto them after perceiving those characteristics in themselves and those around them.
We would be better off, all of us, if we chose to view our collective sin in something that affects all of us, and which our collective actions or lack of action will affect us in the here-and-now, continually and into the future. It would be more constructive. Our sins against our world cradle and its health, our sins against our collective House, the environment – in our world, against the whole world, by all of us – would be an apposite collection of sins to remind us all of our collective responsibilities that affect all of us indiscriminately no matter colour, culture, time nor place.
Don’t be fooled, I have
Don’t be fooled, I have noticed that those racist comments go on here in Oz between Greeks, Italians and even kiwis. People that talk like this are obviously rude and uneducated. When I was at high school in the 60’s I was never aware of the comments I hear now. The Maori students that attended our high school seemed to mix easily with pakeha. It’s not about being black or white , its about good manners and self improvement! Or how about treating others in the way you liked to be treated yourself !
Thank you for publishing this
Thank you for publishing this story and thank you to the beautiful young lady that shared her story and her lovely heart. This generation will lead the way EDUCATING us all that above all else, the ability to love one another unconditionally is what will finally allow us all to move forward without pettiness and the impairment of racism. Because the bigger picture is, there is good and bad in everyone. It’s our job to bring out the best in one another.
I so hear you. As a Dutch
I so hear you. As a Dutch mother of Maori children (my boys are NGA Puhi on their father’s side) I often have to interrupt Maori bAshing conversations, with a “excuse me, those are my children you are talking about” up to having to walk out on dinner parties, because the rest of the conversation was “ oh, but that’s different, their mother isn’t “ makes me even more angry when people say there is no racism in NZ. What bulshit. My 5 yr old comes home from Sunnyvale Primary and says I’m not Maori am I Mum so and so says Maori people are dirty. Grrrrrr yes, he is Maori and no neither he or any of his mother or father’s family are dirty. This gets me so mad
As the pakeha mother of two
As the pakeha mother of two children with a Maori father I can totally relate to this story. I was very young when we married and was ridiculed, called white honky bitch and many other names I cannot repeat. This was soley because I was pakeha. I was brought up to repect my elders so never answered back. Many a time I hid away and cried. I brought my children up to embrace both sides of their heritage and am happy to say they do. Not all pakeha are disrespectful to their Maori brothers and sisters.
Whakapapa is everything. It
Whakapapa is everything. It is what defines you in the earthly life. Vulnerability is a privileged position. It is there to teach us what we most need to learn about ourselves. It’s not blood content , it is our ability to love unconditionally, to learn the lessons and stand in our greatness, our mana. To speak out about the lessons and share the light with others who are not awake, who hate, who do not see the blessings of being in the world. X
I went through a period of my
I went through a period of my life where I resented pakeha. I grew up in a bi-cultural society but I have always tended to side in the Maori world. My pakeha parents were good parents and they had taught me about having respect and understanding for others, but I found it difficult to forgive what had happened from a history point of view. Over time and through living and accumulating life experiences I now accept its time to move on and although I accept we all have to live in this world together , there’s one thing I won’t accept. Our country is first and foremost a bi-culture country, not a multicultural one as some portray us as. When I hear this it’s like OMG have we not learnt anything from our history. Pakeha at it again trying to impose.
I too learnt about the
I too learnt about the history of our people at University. It made me and a lot of my classmates very emotional. Anger and tears were the main feature of the day for that kaupapa. I don’t tar everyone in my world with the same brush. There are good and not so good people in my life from many different origins. At some stage you have to value people based on what you truly know … however… I do still get instensely upset when tauiwi (non-Maori) make all these unfounded assumptions about Maori and I am quick to put them in their place using historical facts. I find that those who offend most are pakeha New Zealanders who know nothing about Maori except what the media feeds them. The media needs to take a more positive role in promoting a healthy ethos in our country. At the moment, they seem to feed the fires of racism and separation more than anything.
Absolutely no good can come
Absolutely no good can come out of instilling racism or discrimination into our tamariki. Educate our children, don’t teach them the ugliness of hatred! In order to bridge gaps between Maaori and Pakeha we must COLLABORATIVELY acknowledge & accept our history, past grievances, and educate ourselves as a nation and find a mutual understanding to move forward thats beneficial for all. I am very pro Maaori but I am not anti pakeha. The bloodlines of both run through my veins. Extremely sad that the Ministry of education refused the NZ land wars to be taught in the curriculum. This would have been a good starting point of addressing and understanding.
being a fair Māori I am often
being a fair Māori I am often seen as being too white to be Māori by Māori and too Māori to be white by pakeha. I am very proud of my Māori and Pakeha heritage and have learnt love from both sides. It is sad to read your comments from such a young child. To move forward as tangata whenua we need to stand proud and embrace the multicultural country we live In today